September 28, 2009

Running from Posers

Change is in the air. The colors are deepening, the sun is lower on the horizon, and there’s a certain calm that comes after the busy-ness of summer. It’s officially autumn now, and the temperatures reflect that change. It was 47 degrees at 6:20 on Saturday morning; warm enough for shorts, but still a mite chilly. By the time I got to the trailhead it was 52 degrees and I was shocked by how balmy the warm air felt. Our seven mile Saturday run was going to be autumnal perfection.

We started at Dowdy Draw and headed into Eldorado Canyon. This is my absolutely favorite run, period. I soaked in the scenery while we ran through the trees, regrouped at the bridge, and headed into the Canyon through a break in the rock walls.

The mile-long climb from the trailhead to the dirt path was, as always, invigorating. It gets the heart rate up and paves the way for the sheen of sweat that stays with you until thirty minutes after the run. As we hit the dirt trail and our various paces were straightened out, Juli and I started running together. She’s done four Ironmans and has raced steadily for the past twelve years. She’s one of the most petite as well as one of the strongest women I know. After some brief chit-chat she abruptly asked if I knew “what was going on”. She was opening the door to a very personal conversation about her sudden, impending divorce. I did a lot of listening, a lot of exclaiming, and asked a few questions.

As we ran and talked, the miles drifted away. Juli’s voice was strong and I noted a new undertone of expression that had previously been guarded. For the first time I heard her talk about what SHE wanted instead of justifying an upheaval that her husband wanted. She talked about her priorities, finding a job, being emotionally and physically available to her 1st grade daughter, and keeping up with her spiritual growth.

When she started talking about spirituality I had to comment, mostly because I was confused.

ME: I thought you were both really enjoying the mediation classes, the community you were finding at your church?

JULI: I thought so too. He did all those things but really, he’s just a Spiritual Poser. He doesn’t want to do the real work that’s required and when it gets hard, he runs away.

So what is a “Spiritual Poser” then? It’s someone who doesn’t walk the talk, make good on the promises, is only there for the season of lushness and then walks away when it gets hard. There can be any number of posers; athletic, intellectual, un-honest people who purport to be something they’re not.

As she was telling me this, we ran along Eldorado Drive and saw a big, beautiful meadow, alive with all the colors that autumn in the Rocky Mountains delivers. Two horses, one a deep brown and the other a pinto, were standing sedately near the fence. The colors of the horses complemented the nature’s autumnal pallet. I stopped to take a picture. I have always loved this run because it’s hard, beautiful, and the last mile and a half is a straight shot of running fast and easy. It’s a perfect balance for this runner.

Balance is all in the eye of the beholder. Athletes complain about being out of balance all the time. “Not enough speed workouts.” “Not enough hills.” “Not enough core training.” We feel it acutely when it’s not right and make adjustments. It seems to me that relationships are the exact same in that there is a constant search for balance. An athlete is always working to balance performance with ability and desire. In a relationship, the partners are externally trying to work on the same project; their relationship. If both partners aren’t striving for balance, consistency, truth, honesty and respect in that relationship, then the whole shebang is out of balance and you’re headed for a serious injury or divorce.

Juli stopped competing last year. I vividly remember the conversation she and I had on this very same trail, last autumn. She’s raced for twelve years and felt like she had gotten that bug out of her system. Competition didn’t hold the same joie de vive for her anymore. Instead of looking backward and clinging to that identity, she dropped it and kept right on going. She still runs and bikes, but only in a teaching or recreational capacity. Last week she gave away almost all her race t-shirts and she’s now getting ready to sell her tri bike. Watch out CHANGE, here comes Juli!

It’s autumn. The leaves are turning, the air is crisp, and we’re pulling out the long sleeved tech shirts. Fall is change, beauty, crispness, life, colors, breath, a sigh, and then it’s gone. I can think of about a dozen good metaphors for life, relationships and the autumnal season, and about another fifty bad ones. My synapses are firing, making connections. Women, beauty, change, life… we’re all that and whole lot more. I pity the man that throws away his marriage because he is too frightened to deepen the marriage bond in his relationship and take love to the next level. Honestly, who wants to always remain in the Summer of life? Not me, and not any of the powerful, intensely devoted and passionate women I know. Thank God.

Filed Under: Seasons Tagged: , , , , ,
September 24, 2009

Time Management

During my mid-week run today all I could think about was the fact that I needed to cut my run short so I could get home and get to work. I’ve designated Thursdays as my one day during the week when I have no appointments or commitments; it’s my writing day and completely sacred. After dropping the kids off at school, running was going to take an hour out of the six hours I have before I need to pick them up again. Was this really how I wanted to spend my time?

Then it occurred to me that I am in the midst of a road-block. My time management has gone down the toilet and I need to re-evaluate how I’m spending my time.

I’m consulting with a local high school on backstage theatre work, specifically Stage Management, in conjunction with their fall musical. In a former aspect of my life I was a professional stage hand. This week I was in the classroom twice and spoke with a small group of students interested in Stage Management. The first day I spoke briefly about calling the show (the actual act of calling technical cues during the performance). The rest of the time I discussed the act of management; time management, relationship management, and how to learn from interactions that don’t always go swimmingly.

My husband, Bill, has been hired by the same high school to be in charge of building a massive set. He’s in a state of overwhelm right now, wondering how it’s all going to get built in the six and a half hours he has allotted a crew to build every week, as well as wondering how he’s going to keep up with the fitness program his physical therapist designed for him, attend to his business as a computer consultant, be available to his kids and hang out with me every so often as well.

I’m noticing in my own life that writing has taken a back seat to all the other equally important things that I have going on in my life. Yesterday I met with a dear friend. We’re working on a memoir together and have been trying to do some writing on our own between the times that we see each other. He was frustrated with his lack of time to simply sit, reflect, and write. His life is full of family commitments, his job, and being available to other cancer patients that are at the beginning of their own treatments. Instead of reviewing what we had written in the past two weeks, we simply sat and wrote, side by side.

Where am I going with all this busy-ness? Well, it occurs to me that just this week I was talking to kids about management. I asked them to think about the road blocks that keep coming up in their lives and issues that keep rearing their ugly heads. Instead of getting frustrated by these things, I told them, take a step back and evaluate where you are and what YOU could do differently, instead of wishing things were different or that you had more time/money/different people to deal with. We all have the hand we’re dealt, and it’s up to us to either accept the situation at hand, or, if we truly don’t like it, we can suggest possibilities for a new course. The choice is ours.

In giving this advice to eager high school students, I realize that I need to heed it myself. I write this blog about my weekly Saturday morning runs to force myself to slow down with daily life and reflect on where I was, what I saw, how I felt, and what life was like AT THAT MOMENT. I choose to write about this particular moment in time because it is a constant in my life that has its own unique changes as time gently rolls by. If I can’t find the time in my life to reflect and write while the memories are fresh, then it seems to me that I need to do a little adjusting of my own to make room for that piece of living that feeds my soul.

Therefore, I am declaring Sunday morning to be my time to sit at the computer, in my pajamas, with a cup of tea. Because I don’t usually sleep in too much, I think taking three hours, from 6-9 AM, as my own is not only reasonable but easily accomplished.

Bill talked to his P.T. yesterday about his frustration in not being able to find the time to do his workouts. They talked about his schedule and decided there was time on Tuesday and Thursday afternoons from 3-4 PM for him to get to the gym, as well as on Sunday mornings. He can do his early morning runs on Monday, Wednesday and either Friday or Saturday, as time allows. He left his appointment feeling positive about taking care of his health and attending to his own personal needs, without sacrificing the time and energy he needs to devote to his jobs. Again, this was just a simple shift in perspective and time management.

That raises the question: what other things in our lives can be easily managed with a simple shift in perspective or time management? I’m not saying we need to work HARDER at anything; not at all. I’m absolutely advocating that we can all work a little SMARTER by taking a few moments to evaluate our situation and make some adjustments.

Filed Under: Seasons Tagged: ,
September 17, 2009

Guest writer: Becky Gray

Becky is an old and dear friend.  We went to college together and then lost touch when we both left the university before graduation.  We met up again a year ago (thank you, Face Book!) and realized we had more in common than we thought.

Becky lives in Pittsburgh, Kansas where she’s raising her daughter, teaching courses at the local universities, and getting her Master’s in Technical Writing.  When I asked her to write “something” about what running has meant to her she dropped EVERYTHING, sat down and wrote.  I was stunned by the depth of emotion she culled from the simple act of running.  Her essay really solidifies the fact that there’s something totally “zen” about running.  We all get there in our own way, and it’s a very personal journey for each and every one.  Here’s a snapshot of Becky’s journey.

Guilt

by Rebecca Gray 

               I was closer to forty than twenty; the mother of two kids facing a second divorce.  I knew that if I did not aim for something positive, I might seriously fall into the deep blues.  This awareness alone, however, was not what really caused me to take up running.  It was vanity.  An old friend from childhood found me on FaceBook and after looking at the photos she posted on her profile, I was envious of how healthy, fit, and beautiful she was.  I felt a certain amount of guilt at letting my own physical health turn south, and I really, really, wanted to have pretty legs like hers again.  I know, it’s highly immature, childish and not-so-enlightened; but honestly, I no longer wanted to be flabby.

                I asked Amy what her secret was.

                “Running,” she said. “I’m an addict.”

                Serendipity exists for moments like these.  It seems that several other friends from my past also ran, were pursuing goals of 5K races, half marathons, fundraisers, and more.  I jumped on the running bandwagon and took off early one morning in mid-November.  By the time I made it halfway around the block I was freezing cold, my knees hurt, my nose was running and my lungs had exploded.  Clearly, I needed help.

                The first few months I leaned heavily on my running friends by asking advice about shoes, breathing, and stride.  I felt guilty that I was so behind in my abilities – there was no way I could keep up with my friends – they were athletes!  During one such morning of running on the treadmill (out of the morning cold!) and feeling “less” than them, it occurred to me that running was a solo activity. I know, it sounds so simple, but it was an honest “aha!” moment.  The only person doing this run is me!  The only person holding myself accountable is me.  The only one who cares whether I run or not is me. All guilt I felt about not being able to keep up with my girlfriends melted away.

                Over the next few weeks my pace picked up, my distance increased, and I started to gain confidence in my abilities.  I determined an appropriate running schedule and made sure I got in three or four good runs each week.  However, as a single mother, professional writer, graduate student, and parent volunteer, I felt a lot of guilt for taking the hour or so out of my day to run.  In a flash, it occurred to me: I was feeling guilty for taking care of myself! How could that be? 

                Over the next few months I decided to focus my thoughts on this notion of guilt, rather than on how tight my lungs were or how tired my legs felt.  As I shifted awareness from my body to my head I found that I was literally weighed down by guilt.  I carried more with me than I thought.  I found guilt for letting my parents down by dropping out of college, letting my kids down with failed marriages, letting myself down by not maintaining my health, letting my brothers down by not conforming to their political and religious ideologies, and letting friends down by not keeping in touch.

                Then one day I left my house before the sun was up.  The sky was purple and pink with early morning colors as I headed east.  I found the bike path that is often deserted that time of day, and turned north, where into my vision came a thick hedgerow of trees. The tops of these trees were filled with an enormous flock of black starlings.  The birds took flight.   Thousands of wings filled the air with a soft, gentle sound.  I stopped running and watched.  They were so peaceful, so interconnected, so at ease. I do not know what triggered it but that guilt I had been carrying for so long lifted and took flight with those birds. I watched the undulating river of birds fade into the lightening sky and took several deep breaths.  When I finally started running again I felt lighter, my legs moved faster, my lungs took the air in easier, and my mind found a peaceful place to rest, where I thought nothing and felt nothing, other than relief and release.  

Filed Under: Guest Writers Tagged: , ,
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